“But I'm a supergirl. And super girls don't cry. And supergirls just fly"

I discovered this song on an old CD stuck in the car on an off-road Sunday drive to clear my mind and observe my feelings. I was overcome with such strong emotions that I couldn’t really place, and then this song comes one and what do I do? I cry. I weep. I ugly-cry. And I try to convince myself that I’m a supergirl. And I’m gonna fly again even though my wings feel broken.

I’ve been hit with an acute feeling of aloneness and it’s overwhelmed me with such force that I can hardly contain myself. What the fuck is happening? I’ve known loneliness before. But this is different. But why?! As I peel back all the layers of my emotions I come to realise that my loneliness never felt like a bottomless pit, because I always had my boys to remind me of my sense of belonging, of love, of comfort. And here I am, with compounded feelings of loneliness and aloneness. A brief romance that surprised me shortly after I arrived made me feel so much joy, gave me a closeness. But right now it’s coming to an end and I have to let go. And I feel the pain. But it’s so raw. Is it because there’s no comfort to be found in connecting with those who I love and who make me feel safe, my kiddos?

In the anguish I decide to not self-medicate with distractions, busying myself with activities or conversations. No, I’m gonna experience this just like I did my two childbirths, “au naturel”. If nature designed this pain I can take it. I know its gonna pass. I know that sun shines after the storm. So I observe, I feel, I put words to my feelings. I allow myself to feel small. And sure enough, the very next day I start feeling like the supergirl that I am. Not ready to fly yet. But soon. Very soon.